Self-Induced Guilt Trip

These days, I am just living my life. I feel like I have been away from this blog for a while and I feel guilty. I feel like all of you who have been following my journey have been let down.

Part of me feels terrible. Part of me feels like I should continue talking about it for the sake of other people. The other part of me would like to forget this ever even happened.

I feel like I am ready to move on in my life. I am ready to take steps towards normalcy, steps towards making “The Big C” less of my life. I will still raise awareness of this miserable disease and fight to end it for everyone. No one, no man, woman, or child deserves to go through this fight. EVER.

I just feel like my own side of things shouldn’t be a spotlight topic anymore. I am ready to move on. Part of me knows that I can’t erase the future, but I am becoming less and less willing to make it a part of my future. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe that makes me a bad person. I think it makes me more human than I have been in a long time.

Thank you all for the blessings you have sent my way and the blessings that you have been in the time you have spent here. Your belief in me made an enormous difference when I needed it the most. I promise to continue the updates. But if you sense that I am moving further and further away from wanting to talk about my past, I hope you will accept that “part of me” as well.

Smooth Sailing

... That is how I can explain my life at the moment.

That's not to say that my life has been a complete and total cake-walk. 

I have seen some darker days recently. I have cried more than I have smiled but not every day. We all have our ups and downs. Life is a roller coaster, and for right now, I am doing everything I can to enjoy the ride even when I'm scared as hell.

The beautiful part of all of this is that I am handling it better than I would have a year ago, or even six months ago. I can feel myself making progress. I have wonderful people around me. I have friends like Ann and Ron and Lennay and Missy who are becoming routine parts of my life. I love that. I have clear scans and very manageable treatment. I can continue my treatment plan for now without any adjustments or concerns. I feel pretty good. And when I don't feel pretty good, I can feel damn good. Any other feelings are something to work through and learn from. I just have to keep a level and optimistic head.

I am keeping my fingers crossed, hoping and wishing and praying that things stay good. I've made it past a month and THAT itself. I've stayed true to everything I'm supposed to be doing to keep myself healthy and feeling good. Now, I just have to stay calm and keep scooting along.

Thanks for checking in with me and my progress. Still good news, so I am ecstatic. I wish all of you a productive and happy week.

A Moment in the Making

This is a post that is 174 posts and 1,159 days in the making.

This is a moment that I have held in for two weeks to make sure that it stuck.

I am in remission. It’s such a good word. And it feels damn good.

I found out two weeks ago today. Treatments have been working and the end of the year was a possibility. I guess I just never really thought it would happen. It did.

For the next six months, I’ll be doing maintenance chemo (Gemcitabine and Cisplatin: the winning combo). We are also looking into pairing some immunotherapy with lower chemo doses. Some of this is still up in the air. Right now, my hands are a mess, switching between numbness and pain. My brain is still extremely fuzzy, but we all know that is nothing new (Thanks, ChemoBrain.) We will see where we stand after six months of continued and adjusted treatments. Concerns about worsening neuropathy are in the backs of our minds, but we’re not letting them stop progress. Ahhh, progress. That’s another good word.

I am so happy to be able to share this news with you. I am so sorry for the delays. There were days that I was so wrapped up in it all that I couldn’t even fathom logging on. Your continued support has been invaluable and I know this experience has helped me cope with it all. I have been able to celebrate with wonderful friends, like Ann and Missy, for the past two weekends. I hope to continue the celebration for weeks, months, and years to come. I just have to make it past the initial month. Last time didn’t go as smoothly.

Now it is a continued game of wait and see what happens, hope and pray that nothing new shows up. Right now, I am cautious. But hey, nothing wrong with adding a little smile in front of those worries, right?

... And Then I Didn't

I felt like writing last time. I sat down and got all of my thoughts in order. I found a way to talk about how I was feeling. I didn't feel bad. It just kind of happened.

And I have felt like writing for a long time since. I am terribly sorry for the wait. I couldn't find the time.

I felt like writing this time...

... and then I didn't.

Things have escalated quickly and the guilt is rising back up in me. I feel terrible for feeling this guilty. I don't like that I worry about everything and that no matter how many people I have to talk to, I feel like I am pretty alone in this. I know that many of you get it. Even my closest friends can feel miles away. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

Moving on to updates:

It's all a bit confusing at the moment. Some things are working out. Some things might not. As of right this minute, we are still on schedule to finish up treatment around Christmas AT THE EARLIEST. I am not getting my hopes up, but I have officially been "downgraded" to Stage IIB. This is wonderful. Aside from some fevers and pain, I've been feeling alright...

Then, I noticed numbness in my left leg and arm. It never lasts more than 5 minutes, but it happens repeatedly through the day five or six times. It's only happened one or two days before stopping in the past. I went in to check with my doc about it. There are many things that could cause it (as Patch so "delicately" put it). It could be small blood clots, it could be another brain tumor, it could be a pinched nerve (although it all being on one side doesn't necessarily make that so likely.) So, scans have been done and we're going with peripheral neuropathy for now. The good news is that a two week break from treatment should be helpful. The bad news is, if it does not get better or the numbness and pain continues, we might have to stop treatment or alter it.

I want to keep treatment going. This is working. We're in the home stretch. Why now?

I promise to update everyone within the next couple days when I learn more. Thank you for sticking around and dealing with my lack of posts. I need to get a handle on that. Maybe then, I'll have a better handle on my guilt and the overload of thoughts that are racing through my head 24/7.

I Felt Like Writing

It's been a while since I've had the time to write at the same time that I want to write.

I can't say this post will be sunshine and butterflies placed next to rainbows and puppies.  Usually a desire to write corresponds with a need to write. Usually MY needs to write involve pain: emotional, physical, and just about everything in-between.

Here's what I feel like writing about today:

I've been reading recently. Books, medical journals, articles here and there. I've been refreshing my memory on what I should be feeling and what I shouldn't be. I've also been reading more to remind myself of ways to cope as I get closer to remission. What sounds like backwards thinking is actually more attached to logic. While remission is a nice concept, I want to prepare myself for the possibility that it might not be around for long. (Again, not pessimistic. Realistic.) It's easy to get lost in the "chronic"  aspect of things. After almost three years, I've come to expect things. I'll never cease to be amazed by the new setbacks that show up when you least expect them.

Apparently after feeling pain for this long, I shouldn't really be noticing it anymore. (Notice my use of the word should. Previous posts will remind you-- there is NO should in all this.) Well, what if it always seems like it's a new kind of pain? Familiar pain can be good pain, except when it's the pain of a new met. What if it's the pain associated with pleural effusion. Even onset is changing constantly. Regardless if it's the same-old constant pain, breakthrough pain finds its way back to me. And I'm learning new ways every day to manage it. I am evolving with my situation. I'm certainly not the same person I was 3 years ago. And I guess that's alright.

And it can't always just be about physical pain. It has to also deal with the fact that recently I am so down. Not "scary" down. Just ball-of-emotion, crying over little things, feeling alone kind of down. Thankfully, I have people like Missy and Ann and Lexi and Tony (who I need to see and hug very soon) by my side, keeping me going strong. It's life that has me down. What a blessing that I have people who are bigger than my pain and struggles.

I am looking forward to the end of this week when I celebrate my actual 3-year cancerversary. I will have the chance (HOPEFULLY) to see good friends and remind  myself of the amazing supports I have had over these years. Hard to believe what doesn't kill you actually makes you... well, it's made me who I am. And I'm becoming more and more okay with that.

Going Down, Down, Down

Seemed like an appropriate title coming hot off the heels of a good doctor's appointment. 

Monday, I learned that my CA-125 dropped by almost 200. That is good. No, that is GREAT. It makes me feel like the progress I've been believing in isn't just a pipe dream.

But it's unpredictable. It feels like every so often, coming fresh off of my week three break, treatment seems to stop working. My levels will hiccup, they'll go up. And each time I talk to my doc, read my scans, see that my numbers went up, my heart sinks. I think, "Maybe this is the time that it stops working... wouldn't be the first time." It takes everything in me not to question what I'm doing. It takes all that I have to keep hoping. I'll just keep thinking that I'm in deep until I'm in the clear. At least I'm protecting my heart from being broken and my hopes from being blindsided.

I am so ready to be done with this disease. I am ready to tell friends that it's done and over. I  am ready to mean it and believe it in my heart. Every headache is cause for concern. Every ping anywhere in my body makes me think, "Really? Another met?" How can you let go of these thoughts when the only taste of remission you had was for a month-- a month that ended with recurrent Stage IV Ovarian Cancer as its final destination. Not the best glimpse I could have.

I'll do all that I can to keep the posts coming with less than a three week gap. I want to make sure that you guys know what's going on. If anything, it will help me keep my wits about me. I can keep track when I write. The bad days will seem better, and the good days will seem like real successes.

A Second Go-Around

At what, you might ask? You guessed it. Remission. But not yet.

So far, treatment is going well. Two weeks on, one week off is keeping my immune system suppressed and the bad stuff from growing. You win some, you lose some-- although I really hate that phrase. You don't gain much and you hope that the way you feel is in some way positive. I am still, day in and day out, staying positive. Some days are tougher than others, like M-Day paired with treatment. That sucked. Side effects are still under control. Little fluid in my lungs every so often. Hemoglobin and O2 saturation have been giving me some trouble, but nothing that I can't handle. Every day is only 24 hours long and if I can make it through one, I can make it through the one after that and the one after that.

Spoke with Dr. C and asked how everything was going. (He knows better than to lie to me or to exaggerate.) He mentioned that with my progress, he could see me in remission as soon as CHRISTMAS. Wouldn't that be the best gift ever? It's also my hope that this time it's not for just a month.

I'm holding on to that feeling for a few days until I get another break. In the meantime, I'll do all I can to savor time with good people, like JT, Joseph, Ann, and Missy.